ok... so i'm not the perfect wife and he's not the perfect husband... we both came to the table with our own set of issues that we've been trying to push through but something is still amiss...
i'm feeling like i'm always 2nd in my husbands eyes. i always get the chris that his friend has shitted on or his mother's ignored... so it often feels like i don't get the whole chris which i feel i deserve. for example, his birthday just past and for his birthday we did naked sushi in our steaming hot apartment (our AC was broken at the time). it was fun but it was still overshadowed by the fact that his triflin mother hadn't called him for his birthday. i bought him on of the hottest pairs of sneakers on the market and that was even overshadowed by his mother not calling him...
and now, his best friend is in a coma fighting for his life... but i'm still second... and i know that i should be understanding of what he's going through and i am... but i'm also tired of just being second best and getting the scraps of him and having to make due with that. this weekend i actually needed him and didn't tell him... yes, i know that it was my pride that kept me from telling him and that's my fault... but i hadn't been feeling well for the past week... everyone kept asking me if i was pregnant and i started thinking it too... but saturday i got my period... i know that i should be happy, but i'm having mixed feelings... like what if i can't actually have a baby? it makes me feel like less then a woman and like i can't provide for my husband. we didn't want to be pregnant now... we weren't trying... but still, i needed for him to be there for me while i licked my wounds...
i think it hurt the most because he just kept saying that he just wants to stay there with david and not come home to me... this really killed me because I was sooooooooooo excited for him to come home... i missed him sooooooo much... i cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, prepared the fruit salad that he loves... but he didn't want to come home to me... or at least that's what it felt like...
so i told him how i felt... yes, the timing was all wrong but i had to get it off my chest... but do i let it go or actually discuss it now?
Monday, June 16, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
The Not-So-Needy Wife--The Strongest Sham Out There!
So last night we had a breakthru...
I guess it wasn't we as much as it was me. But either way, I'm more confident now then ever that not only did I marry the perfect man for me, but that we are going to beat the odds that are stacked against us.
I think that in public, it seems as if Chris needs me more then I need him. His family is a bit deconstructed and he lacks close ties with them. His friends aren't in Atlanta and the one that is here, doesn't ever make time to hang out with him. His mom that lives here has decided not to talk to him and his dad lives in FL. It seems like when we got together, the curtain was lifted from his eyes and life as he knew it ceased to exist. Needless to say, he had to do a lot of growing up quickly when we got together. I found out during our last really nasty argument that he felt that I was all he had and so he smothered me because of it. Now, I'm not all he has but I could see where this feeling came from.
This thought process seems to be an underlying trend in our relationship. As an outsider looking in, you would think that it was just him needing me and me being fine whether I'm with or without him. But during a bout of emotion last night, I finally came to terms with that not being true.
I've never been the super feminist that has said that I don't need men, girl power, blah blah blah. I've always recognized the difference between men and women and respected the balance that we bring to eachother, whether romantically or plautonically. But I fell victim to the "super woman" syndrom in my marriage and not only let the world think that I didn't need my husband, but I let him think that too...
Now letting the world think it is one thing, but allowing my husband to think for a second that I didn't need him is totally out of order. Not only do I need a man, I need MY man... I don't think that I've ever met someone that accepted me wholley, flaws and all. He loves me through my ice-queen tendencies all the way through to my screaming fits of rage. He hasn't judged me or held me to some absurd standard that I can't reach. He respects me and all of my crazy ideas. He makes me laugh so hard that I cry and get the best ab work. He does crazy things just at the thought of making himself a better husband for me. He's my calm in the eye of the storm and I don't know what I would do without him.
And last night, I told him...
I guess it wasn't we as much as it was me. But either way, I'm more confident now then ever that not only did I marry the perfect man for me, but that we are going to beat the odds that are stacked against us.
I think that in public, it seems as if Chris needs me more then I need him. His family is a bit deconstructed and he lacks close ties with them. His friends aren't in Atlanta and the one that is here, doesn't ever make time to hang out with him. His mom that lives here has decided not to talk to him and his dad lives in FL. It seems like when we got together, the curtain was lifted from his eyes and life as he knew it ceased to exist. Needless to say, he had to do a lot of growing up quickly when we got together. I found out during our last really nasty argument that he felt that I was all he had and so he smothered me because of it. Now, I'm not all he has but I could see where this feeling came from.
This thought process seems to be an underlying trend in our relationship. As an outsider looking in, you would think that it was just him needing me and me being fine whether I'm with or without him. But during a bout of emotion last night, I finally came to terms with that not being true.
I've never been the super feminist that has said that I don't need men, girl power, blah blah blah. I've always recognized the difference between men and women and respected the balance that we bring to eachother, whether romantically or plautonically. But I fell victim to the "super woman" syndrom in my marriage and not only let the world think that I didn't need my husband, but I let him think that too...
Now letting the world think it is one thing, but allowing my husband to think for a second that I didn't need him is totally out of order. Not only do I need a man, I need MY man... I don't think that I've ever met someone that accepted me wholley, flaws and all. He loves me through my ice-queen tendencies all the way through to my screaming fits of rage. He hasn't judged me or held me to some absurd standard that I can't reach. He respects me and all of my crazy ideas. He makes me laugh so hard that I cry and get the best ab work. He does crazy things just at the thought of making himself a better husband for me. He's my calm in the eye of the storm and I don't know what I would do without him.
And last night, I told him...
Monday, May 5, 2008
rules for marriage
so before we were married, a friend of ours encouraged us to sit down and talk about the rules for our marriage... well we did that but as i saw in a previous post, i really didn't remember them and clearly my husband didn't either...
so for "family" day today we decided to re-visit that... so here are the rules that we came up with:
Anywho, I think that the rules will be for the better and I really look forward to how it helps us.
so for "family" day today we decided to re-visit that... so here are the rules that we came up with:
- Family Day is Sunday.
- Our personal days are Saturday
- No talking about an issue until our emotions are under control and we're ready to talk.
- Have one specific person that we talk to about our relationship with.
- Have monthly "feedback" session where we check in to see how we're doing.
- Consistently push to become better physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
- Give eachother space when the time calls for it.
- Our hard times are private times. When in public, we will always appear "fine".
- Don't let others dictate what they think our marriage should look like. Stick to our rules.
- Consistently push for the other person's happiness.
Anywho, I think that the rules will be for the better and I really look forward to how it helps us.
Friday, May 2, 2008
...a rose by any other name...
what's in a name right? well, juliet said, "a rose called by any other name is still a rose"...
so i got married--well eloped to be honest-- and now it's time for me to change my name. i'm not sure if most women go through this when changing their names, but i do feel like i'm giving up one identity and settling into another one. of course this isn't a bad thing, but a difference...
i LOVE my last name and really love the lineage that i come from. i was named after my father, grandfather, etc. and i'm so proud of that now. my grandfather was a jazz musician that lived for music. when he was diagnosed with cancer, his love for his music and his family kept him alive for much longer then he was intended to. he has taught me so much in the time that i was blessed enough to be around him. i remember my grandfather used to always tell me that first impressions were the most important. he used to tell me to "wow" them when i first met them. his passion for life and his loves was such an important lesson for me growing up. his example in life taught me to never settle for less then the best for myself and my loved ones.
my dad is such a wonderful man as well. i think that our work ethic is passed down from the males in our family. i was lucky enough to adobt this ethic as well. by no means am i perfectionist, however, i cannot settle with doing something half assed. my father taught me the value of giving your all for your family and that family is the most important thing. he taught me to love hard and that love doesn't always look a certain way.
either way, these are the men that i got my name from, my legacy. in changing my name, do i lose this legacy? do i begin a new one? no matter, i will always remember where i have come from and will consistently strive to do better and give even more so that my children and grandchildren can look back on the legacy that i created and be proud to carry it on...
Thursday, May 1, 2008
publicity does count for something... and rules aren't always meant to be broken
so this past weekend chris and i learned an invaluable lesson about being on the same page, in private and in public...
right before chris and i eloped, we sat down at papasito's and outlined some rules for our marriage... they are:
1. always say good night to eachother before going to sleep
2. never walking out on eachother if we are not OK with eachother
3. if we're feeling emotional about something, we wait until our emotions die down before having a conversation about it
4. despite how we feel about something, always respect eachother.
5. if we feel there is something going on in our marriage that we can't handle, we'll seek counseling.
i'm pretty sure that there were some others but these were the basics... so after coming back in town from working 20 hour days, i was exhausted but didn't really have any down time to get myself together... needless to say, my nerves were raw, i was stressed, and suffering from jet lag. before i knew it and had time to adjust, i was back into my hectic routine.
i think that my stress and raw nerves and emotions really got me "caught up"... i noticed awhile ago that my self-confidence was dwindling but naturally, i didn't take the time to address it. but this past weekend i was just exhausted and really down... i'm not sure if i was down because i wasn't feeling good about myself or wasn't happy with my job/marriage or if i wasn't happy with my job/marriage because i wasn't happy with myself... either way, i had some weird emotions going one. anywho, chris and i hadn't gotten into an official debocle but there was some tension... not all of it had to do with him though...
because i hadn't fully thought out how i was feeling and wasn't in a place to talk about it, when he approached me to talk about it, i told him i wasn't ready... (side note: chris is emotionally driven and i'm not good with handling my emotions without thinking them through) anywho, we had a meeting on sunday and i was talking to my mentor about some of the things that had been bothering my within our marriage. she's happily married so i get some sound advice from her. well she found chris and we were in a sense forced to talk about what was going on... that turned into a might ugly situation to say the least.
we had violated our rules that we had set for ourself. in doing this, we were not on the same page and this caused for more people to put their 2 cents into our marriage which only frustrated both of us even more! after some of our emotions cooled, we were finally able to be in the same car together... he had totally disrespected me in public and took attacks at my character while i was a condescending bitch... both of us acting our shoe sizes, not our ages...
cut to 2 days later... i got an email from my mentor and she had made a great point... one that both of us should have seen... we needed to make sure that we were on one accord in how we handled things --in public and private... that was such an important lesson for us... we communicate rather well and now we will push ourselves to do better...
right before chris and i eloped, we sat down at papasito's and outlined some rules for our marriage... they are:
1. always say good night to eachother before going to sleep
2. never walking out on eachother if we are not OK with eachother
3. if we're feeling emotional about something, we wait until our emotions die down before having a conversation about it
4. despite how we feel about something, always respect eachother.
5. if we feel there is something going on in our marriage that we can't handle, we'll seek counseling.
i'm pretty sure that there were some others but these were the basics... so after coming back in town from working 20 hour days, i was exhausted but didn't really have any down time to get myself together... needless to say, my nerves were raw, i was stressed, and suffering from jet lag. before i knew it and had time to adjust, i was back into my hectic routine.
i think that my stress and raw nerves and emotions really got me "caught up"... i noticed awhile ago that my self-confidence was dwindling but naturally, i didn't take the time to address it. but this past weekend i was just exhausted and really down... i'm not sure if i was down because i wasn't feeling good about myself or wasn't happy with my job/marriage or if i wasn't happy with my job/marriage because i wasn't happy with myself... either way, i had some weird emotions going one. anywho, chris and i hadn't gotten into an official debocle but there was some tension... not all of it had to do with him though...
because i hadn't fully thought out how i was feeling and wasn't in a place to talk about it, when he approached me to talk about it, i told him i wasn't ready... (side note: chris is emotionally driven and i'm not good with handling my emotions without thinking them through) anywho, we had a meeting on sunday and i was talking to my mentor about some of the things that had been bothering my within our marriage. she's happily married so i get some sound advice from her. well she found chris and we were in a sense forced to talk about what was going on... that turned into a might ugly situation to say the least.
we had violated our rules that we had set for ourself. in doing this, we were not on the same page and this caused for more people to put their 2 cents into our marriage which only frustrated both of us even more! after some of our emotions cooled, we were finally able to be in the same car together... he had totally disrespected me in public and took attacks at my character while i was a condescending bitch... both of us acting our shoe sizes, not our ages...
cut to 2 days later... i got an email from my mentor and she had made a great point... one that both of us should have seen... we needed to make sure that we were on one accord in how we handled things --in public and private... that was such an important lesson for us... we communicate rather well and now we will push ourselves to do better...
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
first entry: purpose behind this blog
welcome to my blog!
i'm so excited to be sharing my experiences as a wife here... i'm hoping to get some readers and feedback and all that other great jazz!
so what made me start this blog...
almost a year ago, my boyfriend at the time decided that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together... in a romantic twist, we ran off and eloped... after the honeymoon phase was over, we realized that we had NO IDEA what the hell we had gotten ourselves into!!!!
me, i'm a modern day woman with a traditionalist twist. i'm young (24) and driven (finishing up my second degree shortly). i used to party like there was no tomorrow. i love to live fast but do cherish the quieter moments. i'm a bit of an idealist and love animals and children. not too religious but very spiritual... i love hanging with my friends and love my family too...
him, he's a man... lol... a great one at that... one of the greatest mistakes i've made! he's younger (21) and a little confused in life. he loves to skate (that's how we met) and is creative... he's not too much of a partier and prefers smaller, more intimate settings... he loves animals and children too (i lucked up) and LOVES to laugh... he's quite a character needless to say...
us, we've been through alot in our under a year marriage... we've been quite happy and quite sad... on the verge of kids and on the verge of divorce... but you know, i don't think things are a mistake unless you don't learn your lesson... and these are my lessons in marriage...
i'm so excited to be sharing my experiences as a wife here... i'm hoping to get some readers and feedback and all that other great jazz!
so what made me start this blog...
almost a year ago, my boyfriend at the time decided that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together... in a romantic twist, we ran off and eloped... after the honeymoon phase was over, we realized that we had NO IDEA what the hell we had gotten ourselves into!!!!
me, i'm a modern day woman with a traditionalist twist. i'm young (24) and driven (finishing up my second degree shortly). i used to party like there was no tomorrow. i love to live fast but do cherish the quieter moments. i'm a bit of an idealist and love animals and children. not too religious but very spiritual... i love hanging with my friends and love my family too...
him, he's a man... lol... a great one at that... one of the greatest mistakes i've made! he's younger (21) and a little confused in life. he loves to skate (that's how we met) and is creative... he's not too much of a partier and prefers smaller, more intimate settings... he loves animals and children too (i lucked up) and LOVES to laugh... he's quite a character needless to say...
us, we've been through alot in our under a year marriage... we've been quite happy and quite sad... on the verge of kids and on the verge of divorce... but you know, i don't think things are a mistake unless you don't learn your lesson... and these are my lessons in marriage...
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